Hi Thomas

I consulted a colleague who is an expert in these matters. Here is his answer.

‘Your problem is extremely common, even amongst men of your age, and it is NOTHING to feel shame over, though of course you do. It is also quite common for over- the-counter male sexual enhancement products to cause premature ejaculation. In that case these problems generally do not persist once the product has left the body. The first thing I would suggest is to discontinue the stimulant.

The key to controlling the orgasm is the strength of your ‘Kegel’ muscles (muscles within your genital region) and not surprisingly your state of health and mind. Kegel exercises are simple: Simply tighten and hold the muscle for 5 seconds, in 3 sets of 10 repetitions. The easiest way to identify the muscles you need to exercise is during urination: while urinating attempt to stop the flow of urine briefly. The muscles you use to stop the flow are the muscles to focus on in Kegel exercises.

NOTE: This technique is used ONLY to identify the muscles for the exercise. Kegel exercises should not be done during urination.

One of the most neglected and vital aspects of orgasm control, and indeed of increasing your own pleasure and potency is breathing. Breathing deeply and in a controlled manner during sex will offer greater control of your orgasm too. One of the ways that people have found great success in teaching proper breathing is through swimming lessons. The rhythmic technique of breathing taught in swimming is extremely effective. Controlled and rhythmic breathing during sex will assist in inhibiting over-excitement.

While learning to breathe properly, and while you are gaining the skill of controlling your Kegel muscles, a desensitizing cream can be used. Remember that such creams generally effect both partners, which means that while you will experience less sensation and take longer to orgasm, so might your partner.

One of the easiest ways to overcome this problem is to find someone who is willing to help, a partner who you can trust, and to practice in a safe space. It would be very good for you to make love often without worrying about how quickly you ejaculate. The more experienced you become the less overwhelming the sexual experience (and its emotions) will become and the more you and your partner can focus on each other's pleasure.

A friend of mine who had this problem when he was a young man, had a wonderful girlfriend who agreed to make love without expectation. She gave him the space to find comfort and become used to the intensity of the sexual experience, and their love life prospered. The best thing you can do is to find a lover you can trust, and communicate with, and practice practice practice!

The final piece of advice is for practice on your own. Try to masturbate without ejaculating. Practice masturbating without finishing with an orgasm. This will condition the body to a new context where sexual pleasure does not necessarily need to lead to orgasm. For this to be effective it will take time, patience, and self-control, but the technique has often been very effective in learning control. Don’t overdo it, and don’t worry if you lose control; time and practice will yield positive results. Remember it takes lots of practice to break a twenty year habit, so be kind and patient with yourself. While this may take time and practice, you can definitely do it!’

Good luck and most of all have fun!

Warm regards

Gabriell